Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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