Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
