yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to have your abortion
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
