dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
