I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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