He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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