So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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