Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
