fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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