Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
