I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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