i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
