you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
