I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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