The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
