mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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