she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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