if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
