I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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