you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize