My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize