I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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