She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
