you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
