I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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