I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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