when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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