Cold hands, warm shart.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
