There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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