I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
