It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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