I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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