i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
