No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My cat gives me a boner
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
