Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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