On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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