Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
