Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
