the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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