We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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