My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
