Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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