you win again, gameday.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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