The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize