nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
