I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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