my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
