He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize