We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
