dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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