do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
