Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize