Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
