Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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