why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
