he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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