Capitaan dildo arrescate!
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
