Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
