i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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