She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
