I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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