I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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