when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
