I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize