I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
