yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
