Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize