I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
