I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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