my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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