Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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