his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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