He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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