I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
